Trauma Colored Glasses

This is a day that has never been easy for me as a daughter. I have always had a tough time reconciling my own childhood, my strained relationship with my biological father, my maternal grandfather who raised me for a majority of my life, and the father that I always wanted and never had. This year though I’ve had an incredible breakthrough after committing to consistent therapy, honesty, healthy boundaries, and ultimately surrendering completely to God.

There are a lot of things I think that made a huge impact on my life growing up and none of them are as profound, as painful, as embarrassing, as traumatic, and as confusing as being a child who’s parents didn’t want her. This deeply impacted what I saw when I looked in the mirror and if I am honest there are times I still struggle to not feel like that abandoned little girl. 

For a huge portion of my life I felt unloved, unworthy and damaged. Like who wants to love someone with all these broken pieces and sharp edges? That didn’t always present in a typical way. As a preteen, I was very angry. I lived on the defense. I gave my grandparents a very hard time. Seriously, bless their hearts because I was awful to them.

When I went to live with my biological mother I had this idea that things would be so much better I was living with my “mom” and I was her “daughter” this is how it is supposed to be after all. Shortly after the verbal, emotional, physical abuse started and I didn’t know it then, but now I know that’s the closest to hell on earth I have ever been. The trauma that impacted me was so far reaching I am just now at 35 years old chipping away at the top of that iceberg. That very hot emotional iceberg.

It’s strange sometimes viewing the world for so many years with trauma colored glasses. I expect people to leave me, I expect people to not want me in any capacity for any length of time. Deep down for many years I had a deep seeded hate for myself. None of which was warranted, but you see that’s what trauma does. It invaded its host like a virus and destroys anything good inside.

I ended up moving in with a family from the church I attended, because again my mother didn’t want me me. That little bus ministry that got me there literally saved my life it is also where I first met Jesus in the flesh- her name was Kelly Crofts she was the literal vehicle that put me on a path to knowing a good and perfect Father. From there God gave me Randy & Debbie Wilkins. Kind, gentle, and nurturing. That was God showing me who He was. That not all parents hurt, scream, hate, or berate you.

I became very close to the Youth leaders in the church, their daughter Chelsea and I were very close in age. Her dad Kevin is still to this day one of the most influential people in my life. Kevin’s heart embraced me in ways I never knew that I needed. God is so faithful as I reminded Kevin today, I know and can comprehend the love of my Heavenly Father, because of the father he was and continues to be to me. 

While I am still working through the trauma, my glasses have changed this past year. Hope is the lens in which I view my life, because even in the very worst parts of my past, the very darkest parts of my pain- The hope of Jesus and His word remained. 

Sometimes I cry a lot because the thought of Jesus loving me more than Kevin Currie or  any parent ever could overwhelms me and it serves as a tangible reminder to me that I am loved, I am wanted, I am never alone. 

Happy Father’s Day to the father’s who choose love over hate, compassion instead of harshness, wisdom above ignorance, thoughtfulness over distraction, peace over chaos, truth over lies, protection over abandonment. Happy Father’s Day to those father’s in my life. You know exactly who you are! I love you and cherish every part of goodness you gave me in life. Thank you ❤️