Mother’s Day….

Today for me is always an internal struggle. I feel like it’s loaded with expectations and it can be really difficult to navigate for me as a daughter.

I know I’m not alone in this. Mother’s Day for many of us doesn’t give all the warm fuzzy feelings. It’s traumatic, it brings up old memories, past traumas, and things you wish you could just forget. My life was not a Hallmark card. In fact, there is no card that would truly articulate how I feel about this day. No one would want to buy or read that card.

I think it’s important, to be honest with yourself without judgment about how hard days like today might feel. There is absolutely no shame in admitting that you might struggle with a certain day/holiday- despite how others might feel or tell you how you “should” feel. I know that for me and many others, today might be hard. For me personally, I am grieving deeply this year. There has been a lot of change, but I am also experiencing immense joy this year. I’m learning they can coexist, even at the same moment. Today they coexist and that’s okay. It’s perfectly normal.

So this morning before my house wakes up, I am taking a moment to sit with the feelings that aren’t easy. Admitting to myself, I kinda hate this day as a daughter. At the same time though, it doesn’t escape me that in the midst of the trauma God always provided. He did so with 3 specific people. Without them, the trajectory of my life would be completely different. For years when I was growing up “I just wanted a mom like everyone else” I remember asking God for that in my prayers. He never answered in the way I thought He should have when I was younger. Years later, though, He gave me something so much better; this is where the joy dwells.

The day Emily was born He started a restoration deep down in my heart, where the brokenness and trauma remained. He gave me the opportunity to be what I always wanted to have. He made me a mom to a daughter and I am forever grateful every single day for the honor of being a mother. Emily’s mom, I can’t imagine being anyone else.

If you find yourself struggling today, remember that you can be the person you never had. You’ve learned a valuable lesson, what not to do and what not to be. You know what causes immense pain. Be the person who brings immense joy into the lives of the people you love and care about!

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Ashes Into Beauty